3 Horror Film Reviews!

Hey guys! I’ve been relaxing a little more frequently lately – trying to wipe out some of the stress in my life hence I haven’t written in a while. Well, Sunday, October 28 marks the start of my vacation from my job for nearly 2 weeks. What have I been doing, you may ask? Well, I decided to forgo taking off to some exotic location and stayed in Gainesville, spending time with friends and family. Since my friends and family aren’t on vacation, there are some points in time where I’m bored or have nothing to do so I’ve been opening all the windows in my house and welcoming in the cold air. I woke up this morning to a 68 degree house. Hell. Yes. Now, in addition to the cold, I’ve been watching the hell out of scary movies! As I’ve stated time and time again, I LOVE THE HORROR GENRE! I’ve watched a total of horror movies since Wednesday, October 24 and since all of them are new in some sense, I’ve decided to do three reviews of films I had high expectations for. There are, undoubtedly, spoilers even though I try to not give too much away. Enjoy and don’t forget to comment!

SCHOLAR, VIRGIN, ATHLETE, WHORE, & FOOL

The first film I watched was The Cabin in the Woods; now depending on whom you are, that sentence will either make you happy or make you scoff. Honestly, I have no “formal” opinion on this film, but I will say this – when I was about 16, I actually wrote a story called The Choices of the Children for English class that was pretty similar to this that, in my honest opinion, would have made for a much more cohesive film that wasn’t so campy.

Have you ever wondered why everything happens just so in a scary movie? For instance, “if she wouldn’t have been standing in the exact location, she wouldn’t have seen the ghost” or “if he wouldn’t have stopped for those 5 seconds, he would have been able to outrun the creature.” Well, The Cabin in the Woods takes the post-modern horror film to the extreme. If 1996’s Scream asked “What?” The Cabin in the Woods asks “Why?” The film begins with the basic premise of any teen slasher film – five college students [the athlete, the whore, the virgin, the fool, the scholar…] gather to go to an isolated cabin for a weekend of debauchery. Drama, scares, and screams, obviously, ensue. Now, that’s fine, but this is where I get disenchanted.

Whereas 1996’s Scream and its subsequent sequels walked a very fine line of being almost brutally scary yet enjoyably funny as well, The Cabin in the Woods tries way too hard to be EXTREMELY funny, but without any of the actual suspense or horror. When the “redneck incest family zombies” rise, I’m not scared of them. This movie belongs in the same section with Scary Movie instead of Friday the 13^th. The part of The Cabin in the Woods that I thoroughly enjoyed is the “make your own ending” part.

A PROMO SHOT

When the five friends are in the basement, each of them has an item which ranges from a necklace to something similar to a disco ball. Now, and this is a plot point I got early on because of the story I had written at 16, whichever character was to bring their item to light first is what horrifying fate awaits them. For instance, the virgin reads the diary she found aloud before anyone else has a chance to fully investigate their item so the redneck incest family zombies from the diary are the creatures that rise. However, had the whore put the necklace on or the jock opened the crystal ball, we’d be watching an entirely different movie.

I understand Wes Craven’s New Nightmare and Scream introduced meta-horror to today’s audiences, but horror about horror isn’t really as… well, horrifying. While some people are pussies and can’t handle scary movies, I love them and I want to be SCARED by them. The Cabin in the Woods brings the goofiness [the stoner is the most enjoyable character], the boobs, and the basic outline, but the ending is pushing it way too far and isn’t for everyone – I’m proof of that.

Basically, The Cabin in the Woods is a Rubik’s-esque experience that will entertain you, but if you’re looking for scares, the CGI-ridden effects will quickly bore you. The characters are throw-away and unmemorable [even with Jesse Williams' lickable upper body and Chris Hemsworth’s perfect ass running around the woods] and although this film is receiving favorable reviews [206 “5 Star” ratings on Amazon with very little 4, 3, 2, or 1 stars reviews] I promise you it will not stand the test of time though it does seem appropriate and an OK effort for the post-modern audience.

The Cabin in the Woods gets a 9/10 for creativity and originality, but overall, all I can give it is a 4/10… and that’s pushing it – if Sigourney Weaver wouldn’t have made a cameo, it would be 2/10.

I’ve been getting into newer actors lately – seeing which ones are worth watching. Sara Paxton has interested me lately – I saw her in the fluff material she was pedaling for the past few years [Sleepover, Aquamarine] and almost 2 years ago, picked up a copy of The Last House on the Left and was completely wowed by her performance and range. So, naturally, I’ve been following her career a little more. Shark Night was almost horrendous, but Sara’s involvement in the film was great – I cared about her character. The Innkeepers, one of her most recent efforts, falls short for me.

SARA PAXTON'S CHARACTER LISTENING FOR GHOSTS

GOOD USE OF LIGHTING AND CREATURE DEVELOPMENTARE ONE OF THE REASON THIS MOVIE IS DECENT.

First of all, I’m all about a good ghosty movie which I thought The Innkeepers was. The film had the premise to be pretty amazing, but due to several factors that should have been altered, it doesn’t quite accomplish what it set out to do. I found the characters – a painfully shy girl bordering on annoying, an alternative type guy with peacock hair, a fading actress turned psychic, a sad old man, and a bitchy woman and her son – charming and notable. I do have to say this is the first role that Sara Paxton has played where she isn’t a bitchy ice queen or an innocent damsel in distress; I don’t know if I really like it. You know those people who annoy you the most? The ones who are really into something you think it totally geeky and have a very outspoken [yet somehow contained] outburst about it when questioned? That’s Sara Paxton in this movie. She does it extremely well – as I’ve said, I really like her and she made me almost dislike her in this role yet still care enough about her character when she gets scared or is in danger.

Although this movie is sedate for my horror taste, it is a decent effort that showed me another character Sara Paxton can play. It is somewhat slow-paced, taking nearly 40 minutes to get to anything worthwhile, but all the character development really pays off.

The Innkeepers gets a 5.5/10 overall.

GRAVE ENCOUNTERS: THE LOBBY CAM

By far the scariest of the films I’ve seen in the past 5 years is Grave Encounters. Why is Hollywood going balls deep in Paranormal Activity’s pussy with lackluster scares and effects that a 9-year-old could handle, but Grave Encounters was all but unheard of for years? We have FOUR Paranormal Activity films which are all mostly laughable including the first yet only two Grave Encounters. I have yet to see the sequel to Grave Encounters and honestly it may stay that way – I feel Grave Encounters not unlike Saw is best suited if there are no sequels. Sequels rarely capture the depth of the first and, especially with horror movies, will never be as shocking; I feel this is no different.

SPOILER :| SORRY!

Grave Encounters is not what I thought it would be. I was expecting a ghost film experiment and instead got a “found footage” film; the whole “found footage” nonsense never intrigued me and doesn’t scare me including the ancestor The Blair Witch Project. Grave Encounters however is a terrifying tale of a film crew’s last days locked in an insane asylum. The film is a smart, stylish mix of about 10 different cameras [one held by each member of the crew as well as static cameras set up around paranormal hot spots]. The film takes a market that was struggling and completely dominates the fuck out of it. I mean, leather whips, chains, strap-ons, and S&M type dominate. The gore is done stylishly, subtly, and superbly.

ALL OF THE ACTORS IN THIS FILM AS AMAZING; LANCEAND SASHA ARE PROBABLY THE BEST OF THE GROUP.

I really don’t want to give anything else away and I’m sorry that my favorite movie has the shortest review, but you really just have to experience it for yourself. I do not scream, curse, or jump during 80% of scary movies… I did not STOP screaming, cursing, or jumping throughout this entire film [excluding the first 15 minutes or so, of course]. Basically, you know that unsettling feeling you get when you’re watching a scene in a horror film – not knowing what’s going to happen or who’s coming after the characters next… I felt like that from the jump off until the very end.

Overall, Grave Encounters gets a 10/10 for realism, scare factor, the actor who plays Lance is both likeable and sexy, and the girl who plays Sasha is an outstanding actress.

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